Richard Simmons Wannabe

I was recently contacted by this Richard Simmons wannabe. When I first opened the profile, I was a little bit confused, then I realized the pure genius of it all. It’s so great, it deserves a posting and reply back. I replied to give him kudos as well as complement him on his track suit. Genius!

This is his actual picture he uses. And here are some of the highlights from his profile:

WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE: watching Richard Simmons tapes

I’M REALLY GOOD AT: chillaxin and jazzercise

THE FIRST THING PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME: my fanny pack

YOU SOULD MESSAGE ME IF: you want a copy of my exercise dvd

Enjoy!

Love in Low Places

I have a midget that’s in love with me. It’s ok, I can use that word since I’m also one. Past reference, see the posting called “Tallest To Shortest” in March of 2010. The midget is 5 feet tall, or so he says. He is also younger than me, 31 to my 32. We’ve been emailing for a the past week. He’s called me once. He is ok, personality-wise. He’s pretty funny. But in the back of my mind, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that he is my height. My height! I’m the shortest person alive! Always. And if we hung out, we’d look like 2 midgets hanging out! I don’t know how I feel about that. It would be super awkward. And when we needed something from the top shelf, we’d look pretty funny climbing the shelves to reach the soup can.

He wanted to meet up this past Saturday but I cancelled on him. He wants to reschedule for this coming weekend. So far, I’ve been avoiding answering that question. He is really into me. I think it’s mostly due to my sparkling personality, and the fact that I am not taller than him. Most likely the latter being the bigger reason. I would imagine that his range of women that aren’t taller than him is extremely limited. I JUST CAN’T GET THIS IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD WHEN I THINK ABOUT GOING OUT WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robert - likes theatre, movie's and appostrophes

My name is Robert I'm 37 I'm 5'6" irish/german and live in Queen's.
I like the theatre, movie's, being outdoor's and just having fun.

More conversations with Biggie

More replies from Biggie.

This is Rob. Rob is 34, 5’9”, mixed raced with black hair and lives in Jersey City. His ideal first date is “Drinks or coffee in a casual place and get know each other”.

Here is how he describes himself.

How to describe yourself? (he wrote this, not me!!)
I'm smart easygoing guy who likes to travel and meeting new people wherever I go. I try not to take life too seriously that’s what work is for. I love cooking, dancing, traveling, camping, watching movies, making stuff, riding my bicycle, hiking, shopping, hanging out with friends and having a good time. I still love the nightlife but I’d like to go with that special someone rather than trying to find someone. I would to meet a cool girl who likes adventure and not afraid of trying new things.

And here is our conversation, via lyrics by Biggie Smalls, RIP Biggie.

HIM: what do you like to do? where do you hang out? Maybe we can meet somewhere for coffee or after work drink(meaning early to keep it casual;)?
ME: Call the crib same numba same hood. Super nintendo sega genesis. When I
was dead broke man I couldn't picta this.
HIM: ????? number?
ME: It was all a dream. I used to read word up magazine.
HIM: haha what are you up to today?
ME: Lunches brunches interviews by the pool.

Word

Biggie Replies

Soooo…my newest bright idea is to reply to people that I’m not interested in using the words of the Notorious BIG, or Biggie. As I’m sure you can imagine, this has been working extremely well.

HIM: it's such a rainny weekend. Kinda stuck at home feeling bore. What about you? What you been up to?
IN MY HEAD: I love people who don’t know how to conjugate verbs.
Me: (nothing, I didn’t reply!!!)
HIM: Hello... how you been?
ME: I let my tape rock till my taped popped. I'm blowing up like you thought I would.
Call the crib same numba same hood. (Biggie, song - Juicy)
HIM: Hello, Are you ok? what's that mean lol. It sounds like a song.
IN MY HEAD: I can’t believe he’s still writing back.
ME: It was all a dream. I used to read word up magazine.
HIM: Ok. Are you ok? you don't write much anymore. is there any chance we can be friends & hang out sometimes?

Tallest to Shortest

I am currently speaking with 2 guys right now. One is 6 feet 4, the other is 5 foot. What a stretch…literally and figuratively. ba-dum-bum-CHING

"In A Relationship" - NOT ME!!

So I had met this guy online, we talked back and forth for a while, he wanted to add me on facebook. I don’t normally like to do this before I actually meet people in person but he seemed ok enough, so we added each other. We talked back and forth on facebook for a while. Until we both had time to meet up in person. We go out. He is an artist and has his own gallery, I go there, he shows me the pieces, then we go to a bar. We have a few drinks, hang out for a while. It’s a decent time, we both laugh a lot and seem to have a good time. He contacts me the next day to tell me he had a good time, we should do it again, blablaba. He comments a few times on things I’ve posted on facebook, about a month or 2 goes by. He changes his facebook status to “in a relationship”. Hump. Do I “like it’ on facebook, do I say congrats. I think I’ll just do what I always do, nothing.

The Mall and The Motorcycle - Continued

There are lots of continuations going on lately!!

For reference also see Dec 2009 – The Mall and The Motorcycle

Got a call yesterday. It was the guy that took me on a date to the mall and only talked about his motorcycle. I think his actual pictures of his motorcycle can be found on the last posting about him. I’ll do my best to reconstruct the conversation as best as I can:

Me: Hello
Him: Hey what’s up
Me: Not much, how are you? (still not even 100% on who this is, I just had his name saved in my phone)
Him: I’m good, do you remember me? We went out at the mall, I had blond hair, blue eyes
Me: Yes, you also have a motorcycle (I remembered now, 100%)
Him: Yeah, what’s going on
Me: You tell me
Him: I just had your number in my phone, wanted to call to see what’s up. Do you want to go out sometime?
Me: (in my head I am thinking, OMG, NOOOO) but what comes out of my mouth is – sure, let me call you later tonight, I’m at work right now.
Him: Ok great, talk to you later.

I didn’t call him later that night….

Communication with cheating Raj's wife

For reference see -
March 2010 - Raj the cheater, continued...is he still cheating?...
January 2010 - Raj the cheater

Raj’s wife had recently mass emailed asking for details from her husband’s cheating affairs. She wants to know details, if we ever met him, emails we have with him, pictures, the whole nine yards. Originally I thought I didn’t want to get involved, this could be some scam or trick, or she could be crazy and track me down, etc. I thought it was best to stay far away. However, I then decided against all this. She doesn’t have my real email address anyhow, what’s the worst that could happen. I should just give her what she wants, all the details…and then some…that I probably made up, ok, that I definitely made up. So I emailed her:

your husband liked to dress up in women's clothing and dance around for me. he would make me rub the spray cheese over his body while wearing women's underware. i thought this was all a little bit weird but to each his own and who am i to really judge anyone. it was what he wanted. did you ever notice that he wore women's panties under his men's underware? he'd often show up like this. and as he stripped off his men's underware, he'd give me dollar bills to stick in the women's underware. i'm sure that you similar experiences with him too. well, good luck to you.

She totally liked it though! Here is her response to my email:

Mozarella or feta or maybe Goat cheese sprinkled with parsley????!!!!!:-)

Seriously though..he never met anyone...I know that bcoz all the pictures he sent were not even his own..a couple girls sent them to me.... ,so unless you produce a real picture of him when you guys met..you are out of luck..

Your email was pretty funny...I had a good laugh..thanks

At least I could make her smile.

Continuing To Rob The Cradle

Here's a conversation I had with the 21 year old via IM yesterday. I'm trying to help him but he's in major denial. Why don't people want help or even recognize the fact that they can improve on their personality?

ME: yo
21 YEAR OLD: yes
ME: are you going to be good? or are you going to be a stalker?
21 YEAR OLD: good
ME: don't be a stalker man
21 YEAR OLD: im not
ME: uh
21 YEAR OLD: sorry
21 YEAR OLD: okay
21 YEAR OLD: cool, so what made you decide to message me
ME: had a few secs of downtime, went to im my friend at work but their out today, saw your name and wanted to just say hi and to tell you not to be a stalker
21 YEAR OLD: lol im not
ME: uh. you kind of are.
21 YEAR OLD: no
21 YEAR OLD: im sorry if i acted like one
ME: when you send texts all day and they don't reply back to you, stop sending them. that's stalkerish. maybe it's acceptable for people in their early 20's? do you think it is?
21 YEAR OLD: i sent u 3
21 YEAR OLD: well what ever im sorry
ME: dude. you sent 13 total texts. i sent you 4. that's an imbalance
ME: i'm just saying. helping you.
21 YEAR OLD: alright
21 YEAR OLD: im sorry
21 YEAR OLD: r we cool
ME: don't be sorry. it's for your life.
21 YEAR OLD: i know are we cool?
21 YEAR OLD: im sorry
ME: we were even not?
ME: stop saying you are sorry
21 YEAR OLD: okay great

Mullets and headphones continued....

Guess who’s back for more? (See December 2009 posting of “Mullets and Headphones”) That’s right, mullets and headphones. He emailed me last night through the site to check in on me, he wrote, “what’s cooking”. I told him I had some mullets and headphones in the oven.

Deep Pockets Continued

So I thought I'd post some of the replies I had gotten from my fake craigslist posting (See Feb 2010 posting)before it was taken down. Some of these guys move fast, it was only up for 10 minutes.

Hi there, I enjoy sports (including softball, baseball, football, basketball), traveling, movies, cooking, dining out, live bands, comedy clubs, bowling, mini-golf, shooting pool, etc, anything fun. I'm an athletic 39 SWM 5' 6" with dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes. I have an MBA and my profession is finance. Hope to speak with you soon.
Carey

There's A New Cradle In Town

There’s a new cradle to rob…this one’s 21 years old. Just like I told the 23 year old, I told 21, he was way too young for me. I told him, “There is no way you’ll be able to support me when I quit working. Even if you had a job right now instead of being unemployed, you’d make no money and would never be able to support me at all”.

Even after I told him all this, he still wanted to talk to me. We were IM’ing through the website and I told him I had to go a few times but this kid just didn’t listen at all. So I told him I really had to go, I was going out that night (of course I wasn’t). He asked if he could come. I told him it’d be totally weird because I was going out on a date (that I just made up in my head to stop im’ing with him). He backed off. But asked for my number to text me. I should have known this was going to be a bad idea.


I don’t understand why these youngsters like to text so much. And they continue to text you when you don’t respond. They just keep texting as if they have never texted you before. This exact same thing happened to the 23 year old too. I’m not sure if this is a coincidence or not at this point.

Guess Who's Back? (BF with the cats)

Yup, this is correct. Just when I think he's gone forever, he pops up again out of the blue. My BF, the one that told his mom about me after the first time we ever met, the one that has like 5 cats and kept taking in more, the one that wanted me to name his newest cat.

Letter to my bf

Here is what I want to write the Chef. I guess I probably won't. It's probs not the best idea in the world. It might send the wrong message or something. But this is what I think in my head:

Dear Chef,

You are going to be my new boyfriend. And here is what I need in a bf:
- Just do whatever it is I say. I’ll change my mind, so it’s never the same all the time. You need to check with me first but not when I'm grumpy, I don't like to be bothered when I'm grumpy.
- I require a lot of attention but I only like to talk about stuff I’m interested in or stuff I like. I can’t listen to stuff that I’m not interested in or stuff that only affects you
- I’m going to need you to do stuff for me, like basically live my life for me bc I’m lazy
- I need you to make a lot of money. Because I will need a nice place, nice clothes, lots of vacations, nice restaurants.

Ok, thanks.

Love,
Dana

Raj the cheater, continued...is he still cheating?

UPDATE FROM RAJ, THE CHEATER (JANUARY 2010)

This guy, Raj, is apparently a huge cheater, his wife found out about his extramarital affairs and went a little crazy. She’s already contacted everyone in his address book in January. And now she’s at it again. I’m posting her original email and replies 2 girls have sent, which I found humorous.

From the soon to be ex-wife:

Hi all,

I emailed many of you a few days ago.

I found around >200 of email addresses in my husband's secret email account,he had delted all emails.By mailing them I did receive replies from few and found that he met a few of them on friendly dates in last 6 years.But I haven't heard back from many others.Please, please take the time to reply.

I have 2 young kids(2 yr and 6 mths) with him and need to do what is best for them and me after having all the information otherwise I will be just exposing myself and them to more pain down the road.

I NEED to know badly if there are others who he met and whether he was ever "emotionally or sexually" involved with anyone both of which he denies strongly as ever....says that he was just harmless flirting and just liked talking to girls.ofcourse I dont believe him anymore

I want to know the whole truth coz he won't tell me.

I beg you to please take the time and have the heart to help someone ...you will be blessed in some way.
Please search for emails from cy30305@yahoo.com or raja0912@hotmail.com or dj30305@yahoo.com and reply to me with anything you remember about him or any emails from him.

Thanks a lot.

Mitali

2 emails from 2 different girls:

you need to stop emailing strangers online. if u have 2 kids with this man then talk to him not us.
you are really embarrising yourself and being a mother of two you should be more concerned about your kids than where your husband has been hobb knobbing.

what if one of the girls he fooled is jilted and lies to you and puts u and your kids in danger? stop emailing me. i do not know how the rest of the people on here feel but im sick of your gaddam emails.

i do feel for you and for what your jackass of a husband did...but u are making things worse. think about why he did what he did and if he isnt worhed leave his dumbass.

Good Day to you.

yes, i think stop to send such emails is good for all of us..
in fact, i really do not know what happened, i forgot what happened, who is your husband? where he came from? why my email address in his mailbox? all are puzzle to me.
so i hope that if possible, could you pls stop to send the email to me?
sorry i really can not help you. and wish you good luck...all the best wishes for you...

Fine, I didn't like you anyways

Went out this guy on Sunday. We met at a bar, I stayed for an hour and left. We had absolutely nothing to talk about, none of the same interests, he seemed extremely depressed. It just was not clicking for me at all. I kind of went into this situation knowing this wouldn’t work out but he had asked me out about 5 or 6 times prior and I just felt bad when I kept blowing him off and finally agreed to something. I thought that when we finally met face to face, that he’d realize this wouldn’t work, then back off. But then yesterday I received the following email:

Dana

Are you interested in me or attracted to me?
Well, I am towards you.
Just wanna know cause you left an hour after you got here.
No hard feelings if you don't. Just be honest with me since we're both adults.

By the way, I've had enough of POF--I deleted my account and I won't be creating another one.**

Chris

**Please note this – since I had “met” him online, he had created and deleted THREE different accounts. He’d contact me, delete it, then create another one and contact me again….this happened 3 different times, each time saying he's had enough.... Should have been red flag for me #1.

I couldn’t lead him on anymore, so I wrote this to put an end to it:

Hey Chris,

I'm going to be perfectly honest. I'm not that attracted to you. It's simple chemistry and has nothing to do with your looks or anything. I think you're a cool person and good looking but I don't feel a spark. I'm sorry. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully we can keep in touch.

Dana

I’m so super glad he understood that I was doing him a favor by ending this early, since he thinks we’re already total opposites:

Sure, no problem. I think we're opposites anyway but I was willing to give it more time. Good luck. Take care.

Final-freaking-ly

I finally found someone normal in this whole experience.

I went out with Normal on Saturday. He’s a chef and was working on Saturday. I was semi in the area and we decided to meet up at a bar next to his restaurant after he finished with work. We had a few drinks and basically just hung out until the bar closed.

It was totally, completely refreshing. He totally acted normal, lead a normal life, had a lot of funny jokes, didn’t need me to explain my jokes, he didn’t show up completely socially inapt, 70 years old, or 23, or living with his mom (I just hope he doesn’t tell his mom about me, then call me to tell me he just told his mom about me).

The only thing abnormal about Normal is that he is abnormally tall. He’s like 6 feet 4 or 5 inches. Which is really funny since I’m super short. He kept trying to get me to put his sweatshirt on at different points of the night. Like he’d wait until an appropriate point to offer it to me (I was cold, etc), as if he was making a nice and gentlemanly gesture, but then I heard him mumble under his breath, “this is going to be so funny”. What nerve but also really funny. So there are normal ones out there. All hope is not lost.

And my parting thoughts - not everyone online is crazy and weird but ALL crazy and weird people are online.