Fine Piece of....

I'm either getting better at this dating thing and able to weed out the crazies or I've gone through all the crazies already....no, that's not possible. Last night I was thinking that maybe I need to update my profile again. Maybe the Biggie lyrics just aren't working as well as they did the first day.

So here is my new profile:

I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I think to myself, "you are a fine piece of ass". I'm sure you’ve already thought this exact thought when you first checked out my pics. You for sure thought, “she is so fine, check her out, I gots to read more about this sho-ty”.

Well, boys, don't you worry, this fine ass has brains too. I like to do algebra in my spare time; I'm Asian after all, did you expect differently? I play with my abacus. So brains and beauty, what more to guys want? I cook, I clean, never married, haven't had kids yet, I live to serve, I'll leave you to watch sports for the entire weekend.

So now your thinking, "is this fine piece of ass for real, this is still the Internet after all". The answer is yes, I’m very real. Take me for a test drive, see if you like the ride.

Saying Good Bye To The Perfect Relationship

My perfect relationship is moving away. I met PR (perfect relationship) back in February. PR had just been laid off from his job and was on the hunt for a new one. And now, he’s been offered a job across the country. So he’s moving in a few weeks. Such a bummer.

We’ve hung out several times. Each time was perfect. He’d call, email or text randomly, seeing if I wanted to hang out. If that day wasn’t available we’d quickly come to an agreed upon date, time, meet, hang out, and it was just as simple as that. There was very little back and forth, uncertainty, annoyingness. It was simple. He had made it clear from the start that he probably wasn’t looking for anything serious or long term, which was totally fine. Making a new friend and just hanging out, getting a drink or whatever is always nice too. And it’s helpful to know from the get go, there’s no second guessing, etc.

But just as quickly as he entered my life, he’s saying good bye. The PR will be missed for sure.

General Updates - Party Hats and Crazies

So it’s been pretty quiet since I’ve been sick or busy. But I do have a few updates for you.

Party Hat Joe – Texted me over the weekend to see what was up. Poor party hat Joe.

The one with all the cats that told his mom about me the Monday after our Saturday date – Texted me over the weekend. This guy does NOT even know there’s a hint to get! He wanted to “know what I’ve been up to”. Man it’s been all year and no reply.

Raymond – This guy that really liked my profile, of Biggie’s lyrics of the song, Juicy….he said he knows me because he read my profile. I’m hoping he knows it was song lyrics and not my actual words. Raymond first wanted to know if I could rap. That’s funny. I told him that I could “rap” Christmas presents and stuff. Then he asked me if he could be my boyfriend. I told him no, he might be crazy.

ANONYMOUS DICK

Picture comment - I'm pretty sure this is who is posting all of this but I can't prove it just yet.

Great, so now this blog has stalkers too now?! Yesterday, someone felt the need to hide behind an anonymous profile to call me names and then threaten my life. I eat like a pig or a cow, they aren’t sure which, also like a man. I have no life. I am punishing these guys that I write about. They were going to see me “in” (his word, not mine) the train last night. Blablabla.

Here’s what I have to say to you, anonymous dick:
-I don’t care how I eat. And for the record, I do not eat with my mouth open. I barely even eat salad except at work so I have no idea what you are even talking about.
-I think it’s plainly obvious from all of these postings that I have no life, I'm sick, too much time, and nothing better to do. So what’s your point captain obvious? Way to play it safe there, you will always win when you point out the obvious, that’s for sure
-You took the time yesterday to go through my postings and I asked you to reveal yourself if you truly know me. I waited for you on the train last night, where were you?? Bring it.
-I had over 100 click throughs on this page yesterday, so thank you for driving traffic waaay up!! :)
-Your English sucks. Your spelling and lack of use of the space bar hurt my eyes.

And for everyone else, I’ve compiled the comments below for you so you don’t have to search around.

Posted on Tallest To Shortest Continued:

ANONYMOUS DICK: This girl is sick!!!!!!! I know as I met her...
Not only she has a super inferiority complex on being short,she also eats like a pig..i was so disgusted looking at her eating a salad..going chomp chomp with open mouth like a guy...some ppl ofcourse NEED to resort to online dating to have a social life as this girl definitely can't have any in real life..
I meant "like a cow"

**Posted on Where do the mullets keep coming from??:

ANONYMOUS DICK: You do have too much time on your hands!!!!!!!!!!why don't you spend it to have a social life in real life.
Listen its not right to put other people's pictures on your blog..are you punishing them for finding your profile interesting and wanting to meet you???
What if one of them goes and puts your pictures on porn sites or better yet on New Jersey craigslist personals?Maybe he has...
ME: But then what would you have to read and comment on? Your own huge social life? Oh right, no, you're still reading this...want to go to dinner sometime?
ANONYMOUS DICK: I have your pictures..do u want me to stoop down like you and posting them in all sorts of blogs & personals/porn sites..maybe even the ones your friends frequent?
ME: Hm, I thought I didn't have any friends/no social life?

**Posted on Juicy:

ANONYMOUS DICK: Scared..are you?you have no idea who u are dealing with missie.
ME: Thanks for keeping up on reading! ;)
ANONYMOUS DICK: ..see u in the train today evening..bye
ME: Great, we can get dinner afterwards, you can watch me eat salad like a guy/cow. It’ll be great.

WORD

Juicy

I've changed my online profile to only read the lyrics of Juice, by Biggie.

Yesterday I received a message - "This is racist :("

Where do the mullets keep coming from??

Say hello to princestowntrini. Another exactly…What would he do on a first date? He would – “First of all, I would do what most "cool guys" do,take her out to a candle lit dinner and converse with her. If the mixture is right we will take it to the next stage.”

This mullet #2 contacted me the other day. Here’s our conversation:

HIM: hello, how are you doing on this beautiful day ?
ME: (I notice that he has a mullet) Nice mullet
HIM: yes indeed, happy spring to you....please tell me a little more about you ? thx...
MY THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD: OMG, does he even know what I’m talking about? He has no idea, I better push this some more.
WHAT I SAY TO HIM: I like mullets so you're in luck
HIM: cool ! how about calamari LOL....are you a sports buff
MY THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD: OMG, he has noooo idea what a mullet is…I better end this.
WHAT I SAY TO HIM: I don't eat seafood or like sports

And it all just keeps happening!

Tall Horse's Birthday Surprise

Today is your lucky day, I have a double post for you.

So someone recently asked if I spent the tall horse’s birthday with him. I did. It’s actually a pretty funny story. So I get to his house. He was still in his work clothes and had friends hanging out, just drinking, talking, whatever. They run out of beer. The tall horse remembers that he has some bottles of wine. He goes down to get it. He comes back up and describes the wine. My ears turned off and I wasn’t able to listen to the description. But I do know that he had had it for 10 years or something and I have a feeling it was expensive. So they are drinking it, 2 glasses were poured. And the bottle’s placed on the table. The table already had an empty wine bottle sitting there too. I go to put a cigarette out (what?! I slipped!!!) in what I think is the empty bottle of wine. But as soon as I drop it, I hear the sizzle of the fire going out. I look into the top, the wine bottle is full. I gasp, “OMG”. They all turn to look at me. The tall horse says, “what did you do?”. I try and hide the wine bottle behind me and yell, “I just did something bad, I am so sorry”. The tall horse repeats, “what did you do!?”, a little louder this time. He says, “I can see the cigarette in the bottle, floating”. We all crack up about it. I still can’t believe I did that. Stuff just happens sometimes.

Later that night I don’t know if the tall horse is super drunk or just forgot but he goes to pour a glass of wine from the bottle. He doesn’t see the cigarette fall into his glass. He takes a few sips before it goes into his mouth. He tries to get up to go spit it out but trips over a plant. All of a sudden, I hear a thud, look over, all 6 feet 4 inches of him are sprawled on the ground, dirt is everywhere!

The next day, I had thrown my cell phone in my purse, when I went to pull it out, it was covered in dirt!

It was a pretty funny chain of events for sure.

I Like To Party

This is Romanb4u....exactly.

Here is how he describes himself, I am not changing the spelling or grammer, everything is as he posted.

"hmm.. I don't know where to start, and how to do this perfectly. I would describe myself as a lively, outgoing person who enjoys meeting new people. I strive to make use of every positive opportunity to better my life in some way or another. I like dancing,watching sports / movies, cracking witty jokes without hurting any one, going to sea shore, listening to good music ands doing adventure like - long drives and hiking etc. I love my job but not a workaholic."
On a typical Friday night I am: "partying in a pub"

HIM: hello, how are you doing? hope time is treaing you well. Your profile interested me, so wanna get to know you. If interested hit me up, we can chat online and see where it goes. have a good one.
ME: I see in your profile that you like to "party". You only said it 200 times. Do you know where I can get a quality 8-ball?
HIM: Whats quality 8 ball? :)
ME: Exactly...ok party monster, party on
HIM: hahah nice catch dear... but partying doesn't mean just balling... or something else. It depends on the one's perspective though. But nevermind good luck for u...

My thoughts:
- Ok, first, did he just call me dear? As in the animal??? Seriously...he just called me an animal I think!
- Anyone who says they are "funny" or likes to "crack witty jokes" or likes to "party" NEVER is funny, witty, or has even been to a party in their life.
- Partying is perspective??? What does that even mean?!!?

Midget turned stalker….

So the midget ended up being a stalker, just like the others. I was supposed to meet up with him on Saturday. He had wanted to meet at 1 PM but I knew that I’d be out late with the chef the night before so I pushed the midget back to 3 PM.

Saturday - He called me at 11 AM on Saturday morning to tell me that he had food poisoning, had been sick since 5 AM that morning, blablabla. He left a voicemail because I was still sleeping. He called again a half hour later. Then he sent a text. I woke up at the second call AT THE CHEF’S HOUSE because I was down there too late and passed out. Couldn’t find my phone fast enough but called him back. I yelled at him that I was sleeping and to stop calling like a stalker, I got his voicemail, I was sorry, told him to take care of himself and said good bye. After we hung up, he texted again, that he was sorry, again. He then texted me all day long. I stopped replying after I sent 2 texts – first telling him it was ok, second asking if he needed anything. His last text to me on Saturday was at 11:22 PM. I had stopped replying at 2 PM….

Sunday - Sunday morning what do I wake up to? The midget asking me if I’m awake. I go back to sleep. I wake up again an hour later to another text from the midget. At this point I’m so angry, I text him back to tell him that I’m sleeping, quit waking me up, and to go away. He texts again at 1, telling me that I have to be up by now and that he wants to hang out on Tuesday. I told him no, Tuesday is when I watch Lost, and he told me to DVR it. I still haven’t replied. He texted me a few more times without my replies on Sunday.

I think it’s way over with the midget before it even started….that was short lived….get it? Short. Lived. Get it???

I was once given advice by a good friend/ dating guru. He told me that if the replies come back slow or not at all, there’s a reason for that, move on. Words to live by.

Dating Advice found on a profile

I came across this dating advice list. This guy had it in his profile. I thought it was hilarious and wanted to share. Sorry for the vulgar language. But enjoy!

1. Guys r trying to fuck u
2. This doesn't mean they won't later decide they want a relationship. Some marriages start from awful one night stands but no matter what he says or does on that date he is angling to fuck u
3. If a guy hasn't tried to fuck u by the third date he is either gay incompetent or it will never happen.
4. Notice I said try. You don't have to let him.
5. If you haven't fucked him by the fifth date he will either leave or is gay or incompetent
6. Everybody including you thinks black nail polish is ugly. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise
7. If you've been dating for many months and have never seen his place, he is married. No matter what bs excuse he says. Either enjoy him for him and/or move on. Why would he do that? See rule #1
8. No guys really like opera ballet or broadway or half the shit you and your friends do. A guy will do some of this stuff early bc of rule #1. But afterwards don't expect him to or torture him with it or he'll be gone
9. You may think how great it is that you love golf football and sportscenter and early on it may stimulate things but a man needs his own time and hobbies as well and the more u crowd him he will flee
10. If u order an expensive bottle of wine on the first date he will secretly hate you.
11. Guys don't believe in psychics and horoscopes. When you babble about that shit he will conclude you are illogical and a bit crazy
12. If you are offended by this list you are too uptight
13. Every person lies about something in their initial ad/meeting - forgive the little lies, watch out for the big ones.

Party Hat Joe

This is Joe. Joe will also not go away.

I first started talking to Joe in January. It was shortly after New Year’s, you can tell from his cool party hat. Joe seemed nice enough at the time. We talked on a phone a few times. He wanted to take me go carting and only because he offered such a fun activity, I accepted. We made the date for the next Saturday during the day. The Monday prior, my mom called to tell me she was going to come visit that weekend. So I called Joe to tell him I had to reschedule. He was ok with this and understanding. We rescheduled for the next Saturday. The Tuesday prior I was out, received a phone call that my friend’s husband had passed away, I scheduled a flight for 2 days later. I called Joe again to reschedule. Joe was totally cool with this, totally understanding. This is life and things come up, they happen.

So when I got back from the funeral, I had a lot of things to catch up on, so I didn’t really talk to Joe for a while. But then he started coming around again. Texting, asking to hang out. I put him off for a few weeks before finally thinking that if I just met up with him, he’d go away. So I told him I could meet him for breakfast on a Sunday. (hey, I’m a busy girl! Haha!) We finally met in person. It was clear that Joe had never talked with a girl before in his life.

After the breakfast date, he continued to reach out to me. Using my usual tactics of ignoring things until they just go away, I stopped replying to his texts. When I found this wasn’t working, I started replying with totally lame excuses of why I couldn’t hang out. I’ve had more friends have birthday parties in the past 2 months than I have actual friends. I’ve been to Boston (I’ve never been to Boston in my life). I was sick (this was a real excuse and not even an excuse!). I think you get the picture.

So at this point, I suppose I’ll see how far I can take this without having to actually see the kid. He’s now cut it down to texting on Friday night to see if I can hang out on Saturday. To be continued…Poor Joe.

Tallest to shortest continued

My twisted love affair with the smallest man in the world and the tallest man in the world continues this weekend.

It’s the tallest man in the world’s birthday on Friday. Apparently he has to work but would like to hang out with me after he’s done with work. This sounds serious. To be continued.

The smallest man in the world really wants to meet me. I made up a lame excuse 2 weekends ago, last weekend I was sick, so I guess we will meet this weekend. He is in love with me. I’m sure it’s because I am his size and that is not common. But where will this end up? Us growing old together, going grocery shopping and not being able to reach the top shelf together? Us getting a house together and all of the pictures hung at 3 feet from the floor because that’s as far as we can reach? This can’t end good.

Image comment - This is what they would look like if they were horses

Crazy cat man stalker boyfriend won't go away

Guess who’s back for more? The boyfriend. The dude with all the cats that told his mom about me on Monday, after our date on Saturday. He last texted me at the beginning of March, I ignored the text. He wanted to know what I was doing. In my head I thought, I’m ignoring you, that’s what I’m doing. But instead I ignored the text. After basically ignoring him since I blew him off on New Year’s (see New Year’s Blow Off from Jan, 2010), I thought he would have gotten the point by now. But no, he has to keep coming back. I told someone about this yesterday and they asked, “Is he crazy?”. The answer is, yes, he is crazy, he must be crazy.

So on Saturday, I was deathly ill with tonsillitis, watching tv, and playing my cell phone game that I’m still addicted to and play daily. And I saw him on my caller ID, but it was only up for a second. Which means, he called and hung up. Now, I’ve called on accident before, but after 1 ring I’ve realize what I’ve done and hung up, the call hasn’t gone through yet. I’ve tested this in fact. So this means he let it ring several times. So he could pretend that he called by accident. But really it was just 1 month after his last contact of me ignoring him, his scheduled time to reach out to me, in hopes that I remember how incredibly awesome he was and come running back to his arm. In his dreams. Make him just go away!!!!!

PS - the guy in this pic is much better looking than the crazy cat man stalker boyfriend.

Jimmy's Dirty Mind

This is Jimmy. Jimmy feels that he wants the world to know that the first thing people normally notice about him is his "dirty mind. hehe". This makes me feel so ill. Jimmy also feels that women should message him if "you are nice to me and... :)". This also makes me feel ill.

Jimmy sent me the following message:
"how are you? my name is jimmy. do you think we can be friends? thanks."

I replied to Jimmy that no, we couldn't be friends and why did he have to talk about his dirty mind. Has he ever met a woman, or talked to one in person (computers don't count).