Bitterly Funny

Last night’s date was morbidly funny. You’ll understand in a minute.

I was at a bar, the date went to the bathroom and I used this time to check my phone. I saw a missed call and a text from a number I didn’t recognize. I open the text to find out it’s a good friend’s brother asking me to call him. He also lives in NYC so I thought maybe he just wanted to hang out or something. I call him back from the bar. Date is still in the bathroom. I can sense a serious tone in the brother’s voice but can’t hear what he’s saying. Nervously looking back and forth between the men’s bathroom door and my date’s coat hanging on the coat hook (with his wallet inside, after he already told me please watch it), I don’t know what to do. So obviously I do the most inappropriate thing and just bolt outside. Turns out the brother has horrible news. My friend’s husband has passed away, brother tells me where to fly into. I run back inside and see Date sitting, confused on the stool. I tell him what just happened, not knowing if he’ll believe it, but not really caring that much because I know it’s true. I feel horrible. About everything. The date was going fairly well too. We quickly leave. I get home, text him that I’m sorry and I’m booking my flight. His reply – “all this just to avoid being busted for ditching me” (he’s kidding. I’m pretty sure)

I’m sure people make up these stories to get out of bad dates all the time. I wish I were a little bit more detached to be able to do something like that, but I’m not. Instead, I’ll just go through the bad date and then blog about it after. It’s funny when it really does happen. Who does that really happen to?? I guess me.

I’ll be taking a break for a little bit, but please read on for any missed postings!

23

A 23 year old contacted me today...I will be 33 this year. I told him, "my last date was with someone that could be your father".

A Hoarder

Today I’ll share someone else’s horror story.

“Mike” met “Betty” on the internet, they started talking, getting to know each other. As time progressed “Betty” started to reveal more and more about herself. “Mike” started realizing that “Betty” was a HOARDER! Here are the reasons why:
-Betty collects coupons to buy things on sale at the grocery store
-She buys stuff she doesn’t even need
-She loves doing this
-She then has an excess amount of stuff and has a “garage sale” to get rid of some of the stuff, while making her money back at the same time (or so she claims)
-Her place is packed with all of this stuff

I begged “Mike” to contact her so that he could put her on the show, Hoarders. But he refused to do so. I have no idea why. We need to help this girl! “Mike” claims to not even have her number anymore but I think he’s lying. I’ll continue to work on this. "Mike" is so lucky he's met someone like "Betty", he has no idea.

Update on January posting of "Breaking up is easy to do" (The BF)

I am so sad today. I thought the BF got the point and moved on. Apparently not. This makes me so sad. I am trying to remember to always default to happiness and love but this BF sure is making it hard. Here's a screen shot of the most recent text he sent me yesterday.

It's like he won't just go away and live in peace with his cats and ferrets. I'm going to have to explain to him that he needs to keep it moving. Default to love and happiness. WHY ME?!?!

Just A Few Updates

I just have some general updates for you today.

- Cheating apples (see post from December 2009) - I actually saw him, in person. He works at the Apple store, a friend needed a new iPod, I went with him, and saw the cheater in person. No, I didn't say anything, I have no idea if he recognized me but I recognized him from his pics. Yes, I knew there was a chance I’d see him, yes, I wanted to take the chance, NOOOO, I’m not a stalker. Well, ok, maybe a little bit.

- I have plans to meet a guy that works for Google next week. I hope to come out of the night with either a husband, a job at Google, or the new Google phone. One can only dream.

- I spoke with Glasses Dave on the phone. I don't think it'll go anywhere. After he went on about women who often disappear on him (stop calling, emailing), and his favorite tv shows for an hour (only my favorite topic IF I actually WATCH the shows), and I told him I had to hang up, his response - "but it's so early". This all ended up working out well for me. Too many Daves are never a good thing.

Living At Home With Mom, Dad, And A Flashlight Collection

Ohhhhh happy day! Today is a 2 part bundle of joy post. Both topics are about same guy. He just has no idea how much he had to offer me...and my little blog.

Part 1 (home with the parents):

Note to self – do not put down people that live at home with their parents. Apparently this is a big epidemic that affects(sorry if this is grammatically incorrect, I truly cannot grasp effect vs. affect...yea yea, I know noun vs verb and all that, still no idea) a lot of men in their 30’s. I should be more sensitive to this and not as judgmental or assume that just because you are in your mid-30's or older that you live on your own. Bad things happen when one assumes.

The following is part of my actual IM conversation:

ME: my dream is that they'd (my parents) move back (to Hawaii) and then I'd just move home. but me moving back home is probably not their idea of a dream come true for them. Lol where do you live?

HIM: In Union City... W/ mom and dad.

WHOOPS, how was I supposed to know?!?

Part 2 (flashlight fun):

This is all the same guy I had previously insulted above, but he continued talking to me. Later in the conversation, I learned that he has a flashlight collection. I asked how many he had, his reply: “several dozen”. I thought he was messing with me. This just seemed too good and awesome to be true. He gave me several links for where to find the ultimate information about flashlights. In case you’re interested:
https://www.fenix-store.com/
www.candlepowerforums.com is THE place for all things flashlight related.

And for your reading pleasure is even more of our actual IM conversation about the flashlights:

Me: What do you do with them?
HIM: nothing too exciting. Just collect them and admire them...
Carry some on a regular basis. Usually have about two small pocket lights on me at all times...
ME: i actually needed one yesterday. but the one i have, the batteries didn't work
HIM: Exactly! Doesn't have to be a big disaster they come in handy in day to day life.

At least I know now where to get a killer flashlight. My living room can be pretty dark and a good one would come in handy every now and again. Like when I’m trying to set up a tv or something and I need to be able to see the tiny writing on the back.

Glasses Dave vs Not Glasses Dave

This life is not one of ease. Keeping everyone straight is starting to get really hard, remembering every one's names, what they do, where they're from, what we talked about. I normally have this problem in everyday life and often just never learn any one's name at all.

Side story - A few years ago I went to Japan, my family took one of those tour group trips. We were with the same 30 or so people the entire time for 10 days. I decided that it would be a good idea to just not learn any one's name during the trip. Instead my sister and I just named everyone appropriate nicknames. This was a pretty good system until our parents would start naming people by their real name and we'd have no idea who they were talking about. My parents did not learn the nicknames system.


Back to present day - The most confusing part is when they have the same name. Right now I've been emailing with 2 "Dave's". In my head, they are the exact same person. Even though they totally aren't. But to me, it seem that maybe they could be the exact same person. You be the judge - they are both Caucasian, they both have some job, they both live somewhere in the NYC metro area (not the same town and don't even ask me where, I forget), they both think they are funny and sarcastic. Same person, right? I think one wears glasses and the other doesn't, thank GOD they have some sort of distinguishing characteristic!! Glasses Dave vs Not Glasses Dave.

I'm wondering if next time I need to cut off a person if I'm already talking to someone of the same name. No, I'm sorry, I'm already emailing with a guy named Dave and I can only have one Dave in my life at a time or I'll just end up thinking you're the same personal all the time. Please check back with me in a few weeks, I'm sure he'll be out of my life by then. Thanks, come again.

Geezer 2

Another age liar story for you. This one had to have been in his 50's, 60's. This is just getting ridiculous. I knew off the bat that he was lying but thought I'd go through with this, at least I've have something to write about. I didn't know this creep was going to be so bad, he'd make me want to vomit.

Here are some highlights.

- I asked him how old he really was on the phone call. He said 37 (his age on his profile)
- However during the phone call he was talking about his brother, who was 62....hm...
- He wanted to meet at the mall (ALSO, WHAT IS WITH DATES AT THE MALL??), then go to dinner.
- I walked towards the mall, he was waiting outside. As I got closer, I seriously considered turning around.
- He asked if I wanted to ride with him to the restaurant (THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD IS SCREAMING NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!), I told him I'd follow him. I seriously considered driving away.
- Food was good at least.
- He sent me this text after and I followed up in the green....his text to me is pretty irrelevant.

- ALSO he had told me that he had closed out his account on the website. When I was checking my mail on Sunday, I noticed that HE WAS STILL IN MY INBOX, BUT UNDER A DIFFERENT HANDLE!!

Bottom line, what a lying creep!!

Lesson learned? Run when you suspect they can get a seniors discount for dinner. And take a hint when they want to meet for dinner when the early bird specials are still offered.

General Updates

Unfortunately nothing super funny has happened recently. But I do have some general follow up updates for you for now.

- I still haven't decided what to do with the Geezer, old boring man, for Sunday. I'm leaning on cancelling on him. I'm thinking about telling him that I have to go to Philly for an "emergency drug intervention" for a friend. (shout out Howard for the idea, holla!!)

- I am pretty sure Mom's House said the words, "I love you, dude", in a recent phone conversation. Um, I'm not sure what to think about this. 1. He called me "dude" and 2. I love you??? hmmmmm..... Of course I glossed over it like it wasn't said at all.

- Going out with Beergarden again. (I cheated on my, then, BF at the time with this guy) Should be a good time, I'm sure. I could be wrong but I'm starting to get the feeling that he might have a girlfriend and/or wife. I'm not sure why. I just feel this way. I guess time will tell.

That is all for now. Saga to be continued.

Geezer in denial

Last Saturday I went out with an old man. His profile said he was 36 but when I met him, he was more like 46 or maybe even 56! He took me out to dinner, produces infomercials, such as Tony Robbins and the Gazelle. He listens to old people's music, named dropped a million times, lives on the upper west side off central park and told me all the famous people he's seen or that live near him. It was obviously a ton of fun that night for me. We parted, I didn't think we'd hang out again, or maybe that was my head wishfully thinking I didn't want to hang out again.

He called this week and wants to hang out again. He offered to come over and take care some of the handy work I needed done in my apartment that I had been complaining about (put up my new shower head, reattach my towel rack). Of course I said I couldn't let him do this for me, we had just met, I wasn't a user. He insisted. He said that's what friends do. Just like how I was burning a CD for a work friend (that's what I was doing when he called), he could help me.

Oh man. Old, boring, lying about his age. Or helpful. Oh man, my head hurts!!

Sometimes I AM the crazy one

Sooooo not all of these people are all bad. I don't want to give the wrong impression here. Sometimes they are normal and cool and I end up being the crazy one I think.

Sometime last year I had met Ted (name's been changed). Ted was super cute, had a job, was really funny, all that good stuff. We went back and forth on email/text for a while. He had me cracking up. So we set up a date, went out, and had an awesome time. He wanted to hang out again and invited me over. Mind you, this was early on in this whole online dating process for me and getting invited over so early on kind of freaked me out. I had accepted but then minutes before I was supposed to go over, I backed out and asked to meet in a public place. I think he thought this was a little bit (ok, ok, a lot) weird and was taken back. I TRUELY ENDED UP LOOKING NUTS! We ended up cancelling that night and rescheduled for another night. But unfortunately for me, it was all downhill from there. Shoulda, coulda, woulda and hindsight is 20/20 and all those other cliches.

Lesson learned - Sometimes they just get away, that's life.

Maybe I'm the crazy one....

Ok. Hopefully you can follow this. I'm including my texts with this dude and then explaining exactly what was going on in my head at this time!!

First I got:



This is what is going on in my head when I saw all these texts: "What a freaking psycho, why would he keep texting when I don't respond?!??!"

Then I got:




Thoughts in my head: "new day, see above"

Then I got:



Thoughts in my head: "I can't take this anymore".
My text to him was immediately followed by a call from him. He obviously did not get the point and wanted to know why I was so quick to cut him off. I explained that it just wasn't working for me, it's not a bad thing, but maybe it's just best to go our seperate ways at this point. I don't do well when I feel suffocated and all of his texts definetly made me feel suffocated. He told me that he didn't "understand girls". He didn't know when to text too much or too little. I said I was sorry but I had to rush off to dinner. And we hung up. IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAD EVEN MET IN PERSON AT THIS POINT. I felt like I was breaking up with him but then kept in mind, I HAVEN'T EVEN MET THIS DUDE YET AND ONLY SPOKEN TO HIM ONCE ON THE PHONE! I am not the evil one here.

And finally:



Thoughts in my head: Ok, he for sure didn't understand the "stop texting me" part of our conversation yesterday. AND he woke me up!!!! AND that is SO passive aggressive to text late at night and early in the morning to BREAK UP WITH ME AFTER I ALREADY BROKE UP WITH HIM!!!!

I have not responded to any of this.

Really, am I the crazy one?? I'm really starting to wonder.

Raj the cheater

I might need to re-name this blog hidden gem of cheaters!! Got this email this morning from someone that had originally contacted me last November and then disappeared. His picture is above. What a winner.

Hi

I am the wife of this guy( we are married for 8 years & have kids) who uses this email id/profile..just found this email id which i never knew existed ..all emails were deleted..i only had contacts ...he admits he did harmless chatting only and is sorry.
I saw ur email in his contact list .I want to find out how does he know you and if he had ever chatted with you/dirty talk/talked on phone or met anyone in person or also waht kind of chats he had if he did with you.
If anybody has any communication saved with him either here in chat or on any online dating website,please please send it to me...its eating me up that what was lacking which made him chat outside.
I will be really grateful.
Thanks

Corrections Officer

Today, I got a message from a corrections officer I went out with a while back. He was separated, his wife was dating a drug dealer that she used to teach (she's a high school teacher), she had a restraining order on him, he was suspended from his job because of it, his kids wanted nothing to do with him, he was already drunk when I showed up at the bar, his friends showed up too. He ran into a former inmate, the former inmate was hitting one me. And yes, he did tell me this when we met but failed to mention ANY of it on his profile and when we spoke.

His message to me today? - "wow i cant believe u never called me again"

Breaking up is easy to do

Good news everyone. I think the BF and I are broken up. Got this text above and no contact since (I'm in green and yes, if you have been following me, you'll notice the white lie I told him...). And yes, I did scratch out his name for the pic. I'm not THAT evil, you know.

Mom's House

I'll call this guy Mom's House for now. I had been talking to Mom's House for a while, he seemed normal enough. We met up in public, again seemed normal. He wasn't working at the time but then again, in this economy, it's not so unusual. He did mention some global economic project he was working on to pass the time (...this will have to be another post, it's too much). Fast forward. He invites me over so I go.

I arrive at his house and call him to let him know I'm there. He comes outside to meet me. And then breaks it down for me. He says, "Ok, here's the deal. I live here with my mom. I don't want her asking questions or butting in so we'll have to sneak you in, undercover. Just be really quiet and make no noise".

I'm thinking, OMG (yes, I really do think in IM acronyms), what did I get myself into on this one. He could have told me before hand. But like the fool that I am, I go along with it. It's totally dark as we walk up the stairs. I had to take my shoes off to not make any noise. And Mom's House covertly, successfully sneaks me into his room. Where I had to cough into a pillow and only speak in whisper.

It's kind of a shame. Because Mom's House is actually really handsome and personable. He just lives at home with his mom and hasn't worked since 2001. On some level I don't know if I should be disgusted or jealous of this. Considering that my life goal is to be Manuel (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article5020806.ece), live at home and too fat to get out of your bed, have your mom bring you food and wash your fatrolls. Oh wait, did I just post that to the internet for all to see?? Ma bad.

I told this to a friend yesterday, who accused me of ripping of the movie, Mall Rats. I kid you not, this actually happened to me. I don't even remember that part of Mall Rats!!

Seriously?

Yesterday, "Elvis is Alive" sent me a message: "Thanks for the reply"

I'm thinking, I didn't reply to this guy, what does he want. His profile was pretty generic, tadpole-ish. So I reply and ask him, "Did you want to say something to me?"

His reply: Yes I did want to write earlier but I don't think we match according to your profile. I'm actually very conservative, no topless pics at the gym. Your one line about being married or in a relationship-I would never do that to someone else. Have a Happy New Year.

The thoughts in my head: He is right, this is no match made in heaven. Is he serious? Does he really think that I only like topless pics taken at the gym, or married men? Can he really be serious? Seriously? Especially when I blatantly say in my profile that I'm joking and if you don't get it, keep it moving.

I wanted to provide him with some exceptional life advice. I didn't want him going through life without laughter. No one needs to live like this. Ever. So I left him with these parting thoughts: Dude. Do you not have a sense of humor? You should get one, it makes life so much more awesome....

Seriously, you can't make this stuff up.

Added on 1/6/10 - I guess Elvis is Alive didn't appreciate my life advice. He sent me this message last night - I do have a sense of humor, not a twisted one. To "assume" that everyone knows yours is awful.

New Year's Blow Off

I totally blew my bf off for New Year's and the weekend (I had originally told him we could hang out over the weekend). I'm hoping I can ignore this until it just goes away. I'm sure ignoring his texts and calls are probably not the best way to deal with it though. But it's the way I like to deal with things. WHAT?? This is probably why my eye's been twitching since last week. Either this or my obsession/compulsion to this new video game I downloaded on my phone. Not sure 100%.

Instant update as I type - He just texted me "interested in hanging out :-)"....eye twitch.